Sunday, July 12, 2009

Car Accident and Now/Meandering film and philosophy stuff

So as many of you guys know already I was in a nasty car accident last weekend, driven off the Freeway and left for dead by a young man driving a semi-truck. So that's the last I hope I write of the specifics of that, they aren't important anymore. The accident has planted a wonderfully dark seed in my mind that I find myself visiting a lot in the week since it happened. In the instant my car was rolling over in the median, I saw and accepted death. I wouldn't make light of death at all, and that's why I wanted to share this. Accepting that I was about to die was the most peaceful thing I've felt maybe ever, and it served as a wonderful moment of reflection in that I need to cherish everyday with a greater lust for life and every wonderful significant thing it has to offer. Focusing on things that I can't change about the past is pointless and dangerous, and it's something that has consumed me the last few years. I've felt like a terrible brother, son, friend, human being, artist. I needed to have my eyes opened, I have a life to live, and if I want to live it to the fullest I need to focus on being productive again. So all of my thoughts about finishing "Freelancer" all of the progress I've made over the last year towards the final finished product has been like throwing kindling on a bonfire yet to be lit, and now, the accident has lit the match and thrown it on the wood. Since the accident, I have been reliving that rolling crazy moment non-stop, exploring the adrenaline-fueled vision I had. There is a deep mystery to life and to death, a philosophical one. I see that there really is no point to life, but that's the point in my honest opinion. Not to say that spirit isn't present, but that's another more personal topic. Life is like this awesome sandbox we get a limited amount of time to play in, to build, destroy, to form. So why spend time thinking about the sandcastle you stepped on three years ago, when you can use that sand to make something new? Your life will be over soon enough, to some black voidy peace. I can say now, maybe in my intense physical pain, I'm looking forward to exploring that chapter, but I see now that it cannot be pondered. It's the big reveal, the curtain pull. I don't want to know what's on the other side, so I'm going to work on the here and now, here and now. That means making the most out of my sandbox.

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