quite awhile to find a sure footing on the film after I truly felt that I failed myself and everyone
involved the first time around.
It's difficult to balance an overdramatic young relationship while trying to make an honest
soul-devouring peice of art. I've never been able to approach my art rationally, impossible to see my limitations and what's "practical", I'm really the least
rational person I know, so to have an imbalance in the part of my life really threw off what could
have been a slam dunk of creativity for myself my senior year. I completely lost it, went off the deep end, thankfully I have some wonderful friends who have been there when I truly needed them.
In the aftermath of College, I've been picking up the pieces, learning how to relax, or "remembering to breathe" as my good friend puts it. It is supremely difficult. I feel like I am in a constant state of anxiety a lot of the time, constantly second guessing myself. And as I learn to take a breath every now and then, I am able to focus with more truth on the important things, like
myself, and the center of my interest,the things that honestly deep down matter to me, my art, "Freelancer", the product of 4 years of Art education and now, 25 years of interest in the visuals that the world has to offer. I'll post up some wonderful pictures of the film very soon. It's going to be trippy, risky, brutal, not the safe, sci-fi genre fodder that was called "Freelancer" before. Something akin to the love child of Wong Kar-Wai's "Fallen Angels", Oshii's anime masterpiece, "Ghost in the Shell", with a little "Gattaca" and "Alphaville" thrown in for good measure.
I just needed to write these words down, to remind myself of my commitment, and to take it outside of my head. I find myself getting stuck in thoughts and becoming redundant in conversations with others regarding my film. I'm sure everyone's sick of me and they think I'll never finish the film. Well, I completely understand that honestly. I've been a terrible flake, friend and person and totally inconsistent with how I used to see myself as the egoist Howard Roark capable of anything. It's time for changes, big changes. It's honestly the hardest, most complex conflict I've ever faced. I don't even know if now I see the exit strategy to being finished, but I know I'll never be able to share myself truthfully with anyone unless I can express my thoughts through the film itself in it's completed form. I love you, "Freelancer", you've changed me.